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Qala Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala fil kitabil kareem:
وَالْعَصْرِ
إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ
إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ (
Al-Asr (103: 1 - 3)
Hadith:
Purifying the heart - Reported by Abu Huraira
"A Muslim is the brother of a Muslim. He neither oppresses him nor humiliates him nor looks down upon him. Piety is here - and he pointed to his chest three times. It is evil enough for a Muslim to hold his brother Muslim in contempt. All things of a Muslim are inviolable for another Muslim: his blood, his property and his honour."
According to the tafsir of Ibn Kathir:
At-Tabarani recorded from 'Abdullah bin Hisn Abi Madinah that he said, "Whenever two men from the Companions of the Messenger of Allah used to meet, they would not part until one of them had recited surah al-'Asr in its entirety to the other, and one of them had given the greetings of peace to the other."
Part I
Brothers and sisters, I want to use the above chapter to speak about relationships. When speaking of relationships, I want us to focus on the various relationships that we develop or need to develop to build and strengthen our communities. I want to focus primarily on our marriage relationships - and by extension our family relationships - because in an organic ideology such as Islam, the family or social connections form the backbone of our communities. I have said before that the Prophet (saws) was sent to perfect two things: our relationship to Allah and our relationship to each other. These are the things we need to continue working on together. They go hand in hand.
I contend that this short surah, which many of us know and many of us recite often, is not truly appreciated. We do not see the importance of this surah in maintaining and developing our relationships. I must admit that I too have fallen short in really seeing the benefit of this surah. I have failed to see at times, and even recently, how this surah’s message can be the cement that holds our relationships (brotherhood, sisterhood, families, communities...) together. We all know that Allah (swt) by way of the translation said, “hold firmly to Allah’s rope, and do not be divided among yourselves.” We often parrot that, and use it to beat others over the head. However how do we really hold on the Allah’s rope, His way, His sirat and not be divided among ourselves? I want to argue that this surah, Al-Asr, tells us how to hold on to that rope in a very direct and specific way.
Please do not think that this a khutbah on some pie-in-the-sky, macrocosmic notion of unity, or some unsubstantiated and romanticized version of a collective unity in action and purpose among Muslims. If that is where you think I am going, please empty your cup and let us start over. I am going to do like Columbus; I am going East, to end up West. I am going to go a bit simpler with my argument, to make a broader point. I am going to take it at a more microscopic level in an effort to bring about a unity in hearts of the collective group, and not necessarily the unity in action that we all think is the goal of Islam. At a more microscopic level, this surah, tells us how we can and should interact with each other in an effort to create the sense of community for which we are all yearning.
I want to begin by congratulating all those who have maintained their marriages over the trials and tribulations. I want to wish all those who are celebrating anniversaries this year, whether it is your 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 7th, 10th or 25th. Whatever it is, alhamdulillah, you have done something that others are finding it hard to do. We just have to look around and see that marriages are falling apart daily. We are failing to realize that although divorce is permissible (and I would argue necessary is some cases), it is identified as something that Allah does not favor. The one being that favors divorce each time is Shaytan. We forget that his goal is to break down the relationships between man and God and man and man. If the Prophet (saws) came to strengthen and perfect those relationships, then know that shaytan is here to fight against that. So, how do we move towards healthy families and healthy communities? What are things that we can do to make our marriages stronger?
Many times, when we start speaking of marriage, we focus on rights and responsibilities. That is just the beginning. Rights and responsibilities are necessary conditions, but they are not sufficient conditions for healthy relationships. We have attempted to make the necessary sufficient in our approach to Islam. It is necessary to pray, fast, ‘look like a Muslim’, etc... Roles and duties are necessary, but are NOT sufficient in a marriage. We have reduced our Islam and practice thereof to roles and duties. I am a Muslim: I uphold the pillars and articles of faith. Wrapped into this is how I dress, eat, talk, etc. All of these are necessary in our context, but they are not sufficient for us to engage with Islam holistically. Let us look at how we can improve our relationships. Some of these are specific to marriages, but I will extend to broader relationships where I can.
Some ways to increase happiness in marriage and relationships (adapted from various sources incl. "Happy Muslim Husband and Wife" on FB):
Brothers and sisters, I have spent some time going over some qualities that can make our relationships, marriage and otherwise, stronger and insha-Allah more fulfilling for each of us, and insha-Allah, more beneficial to the community. Our community has seen and continues to see too many broken homes, broken families, broken spirits. Our enemy is shaytaan, and he exploits the weaknesses in us to keep us ignorant, make us lack compassion and be inconsiderate, for the mere goal of insuring that we do not earn the pleasure of Allah. How much longer will we sit by and watch our young brothers and sisters fall by the wayside? How many more babies out of wedlock, abortions and plain open sexual lewdness are we going to tolerate before we stop and say that we have a serious problem? Where are our roundtables on these issues? What are the leaders in our communities doing to collectively address these issues that are bound to arise in a hyper-sexed society like this one? Families are struggling and the community cannot assist because majority of the families are struggling with this. If you doubt that, there is hardly one of us in here, whose family (immediate or extended) or close friend who was/is like family, who has not been touched by zina, child out of wedlock, etc... Our young will continue to inherit the baggage of our collective incompetence because we are not rising up to the challenge of really purifying ourselves.
Remember, shaytaan hates: loving families, believing communities, pious and god-conscious individuals. He loves divorce, segregation and separation. How many of us are leaving our children with a legacy of working in the community and really striving for something beyond ourselves? Many of us have worked for Islam for years. We have struggled and we have toiled, and we have been hurt, disappointed and abused. We then promise that we will protect our children from this “mess” that is this community. We ourselves may even stop being as active in the community. It is not simply about how we start, but also how we end. How many of us, if we died today or tomorrow, would die knowing with a degree of certainty, that our children will have a deep concern for the community and its development, that they will come into the trenches and work for the establishment of a better community? If those of us with children cannot say with certainty that our children are not simply hearing about the importance of working and being part of the community, but are SEEING us work and be an integral part of the community, then we have a lot of work still to do. If we are not calling them to that, then what are we calling them to?
May Allah (swt) grant us forgiveness, guidance and mercy...
End of part I
Part II
Brothers and sisters, we have a lot of work to do to make our families and communities stronger. We each have a part to play in it. I have mentioned some concrete things that we can and should do to strengthen our marriages and our relationships in general. Let us understand that there is more to our relationships with each other than the basic rights, roles and responsibilities. I want to take us back to the surah we started with: Al-Asr...
Action Plan:
If we work towards improving our families and communities, we will begin to push shaytaan back further from our community, because he has infiltrated deeply, to the point that our community is almost not recognizable.
Al-Asr gives us 4 specific ways to build our relationships and insha-A;;ah strengthen our community:
Have faith:
Faith is not merely about believing and having hope. Iman, constructive iman, is the type of faith that leads one to take action. Iman without action is useless. Have faith in Allah, have faith in others, have faith in the fitrah that Allah has created. Faith leads to the following:
Think of how our relationships would be, if we would strive to do good for each other on a consistent basis:
By encouraging truth in yourself and others, you build:
By engaging in and encouraging patience, we build:
Let us start by using some of the lessons in this short surah to improve our lives and our communities. Let us begin by being good to our families and speaking out against injustice even in our own families, even against ourselves.
Ibn Hibban transmitted on the authority of `Aisha that the Prophet said, "The best of you is he who is the best to his family, and I am the best to my family". [Transmitted by Ibn Hibban Charity (El-Ehsan) Vol. 9 (4177).]
Shaytan knows what outcome he wants and he is lining everything up for that. He is an avowed enemy. There is no good that he does not try to corrupt. He corrupts it by creating doubt, suspicion, anger, hate, regret, etc... All these things he does. These things lead to breakdown in communication, which is the essence of connection. Communication is the essence of our connection to God and to each other. Remember Allah and He will remember us.
(End of Part II)
Qala Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala fil kitabil kareem:
وَالْعَصْرِ
إِنَّ الْإِنسَانَ لَفِي خُسْرٍ
إِلَّا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا وَعَمِلُوا الصَّالِحَاتِ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالصَّبْرِ (
Al-Asr (103: 1 - 3)
Hadith:
Purifying the heart - Reported by Abu Huraira
"A Muslim is the brother of a Muslim. He neither oppresses him nor humiliates him nor looks down upon him. Piety is here - and he pointed to his chest three times. It is evil enough for a Muslim to hold his brother Muslim in contempt. All things of a Muslim are inviolable for another Muslim: his blood, his property and his honour."
According to the tafsir of Ibn Kathir:
At-Tabarani recorded from 'Abdullah bin Hisn Abi Madinah that he said, "Whenever two men from the Companions of the Messenger of Allah used to meet, they would not part until one of them had recited surah al-'Asr in its entirety to the other, and one of them had given the greetings of peace to the other."
Part I
Brothers and sisters, I want to use the above chapter to speak about relationships. When speaking of relationships, I want us to focus on the various relationships that we develop or need to develop to build and strengthen our communities. I want to focus primarily on our marriage relationships - and by extension our family relationships - because in an organic ideology such as Islam, the family or social connections form the backbone of our communities. I have said before that the Prophet (saws) was sent to perfect two things: our relationship to Allah and our relationship to each other. These are the things we need to continue working on together. They go hand in hand.
I contend that this short surah, which many of us know and many of us recite often, is not truly appreciated. We do not see the importance of this surah in maintaining and developing our relationships. I must admit that I too have fallen short in really seeing the benefit of this surah. I have failed to see at times, and even recently, how this surah’s message can be the cement that holds our relationships (brotherhood, sisterhood, families, communities...) together. We all know that Allah (swt) by way of the translation said, “hold firmly to Allah’s rope, and do not be divided among yourselves.” We often parrot that, and use it to beat others over the head. However how do we really hold on the Allah’s rope, His way, His sirat and not be divided among ourselves? I want to argue that this surah, Al-Asr, tells us how to hold on to that rope in a very direct and specific way.
Please do not think that this a khutbah on some pie-in-the-sky, macrocosmic notion of unity, or some unsubstantiated and romanticized version of a collective unity in action and purpose among Muslims. If that is where you think I am going, please empty your cup and let us start over. I am going to do like Columbus; I am going East, to end up West. I am going to go a bit simpler with my argument, to make a broader point. I am going to take it at a more microscopic level in an effort to bring about a unity in hearts of the collective group, and not necessarily the unity in action that we all think is the goal of Islam. At a more microscopic level, this surah, tells us how we can and should interact with each other in an effort to create the sense of community for which we are all yearning.
I want to begin by congratulating all those who have maintained their marriages over the trials and tribulations. I want to wish all those who are celebrating anniversaries this year, whether it is your 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 7th, 10th or 25th. Whatever it is, alhamdulillah, you have done something that others are finding it hard to do. We just have to look around and see that marriages are falling apart daily. We are failing to realize that although divorce is permissible (and I would argue necessary is some cases), it is identified as something that Allah does not favor. The one being that favors divorce each time is Shaytan. We forget that his goal is to break down the relationships between man and God and man and man. If the Prophet (saws) came to strengthen and perfect those relationships, then know that shaytan is here to fight against that. So, how do we move towards healthy families and healthy communities? What are things that we can do to make our marriages stronger?
Many times, when we start speaking of marriage, we focus on rights and responsibilities. That is just the beginning. Rights and responsibilities are necessary conditions, but they are not sufficient conditions for healthy relationships. We have attempted to make the necessary sufficient in our approach to Islam. It is necessary to pray, fast, ‘look like a Muslim’, etc... Roles and duties are necessary, but are NOT sufficient in a marriage. We have reduced our Islam and practice thereof to roles and duties. I am a Muslim: I uphold the pillars and articles of faith. Wrapped into this is how I dress, eat, talk, etc. All of these are necessary in our context, but they are not sufficient for us to engage with Islam holistically. Let us look at how we can improve our relationships. Some of these are specific to marriages, but I will extend to broader relationships where I can.
Some ways to increase happiness in marriage and relationships (adapted from various sources incl. "Happy Muslim Husband and Wife" on FB):
- Renew your intention for why you are in the relationship: When you entered the relationship, you did it for the pleasure of Allah< Insha-Allah. Remind yourself of that. When you got married, you did it for Allah's pleasure. When you joined a group or an organization, you did it for the pleasure of Allah; remind yourself of that. Many times, along the way, things happen and feelings are hurt and promises broken. We need to begin thinking constructively of how we can solve these things in our relationships. The relationship itself is one of worship and ibadah. If we continue to view our relationships like a form of ibadah, we will take serious responsibility for them, and Allah will bless them as necessary and both parties will be rewarded for being in the relationship. Sure, he looked good and she looked fine. That drew you in, but that hopefully was not your main intention for forging the relationship. Renew your intention often.
- Remember that your spouse is your brother or sister in Islam: Blood, wealth and honor are all sacred. How can you hit your wife? How can you inflict pain on another Muslim intentionally and worse yet, unjustly? A few years ago, the leadership in the city, with the majlis, circulated a document and statement that violence against spouses will not be tolerated. This was a good start. But this is not enough. Too many sisters are still being beaten by their husbands. Too many kids are being abused by their parents. Physically, sexually, etc. Our kids, our business partners, our co-workers are our brothers and sisters in Islam. Their honor, blood and wealth are ALL sacred! This is even moreso in the marriage. How are we gossiping about our personal matters freely and think we do not have to answer for that. In fact, forget the punishment and recompense, how can we just simply do that to another human being period? Punishment from Allah should not be our motivation for avoiding doing harm to others. It should be love and compassion for Allah and for others; not fear of Allah’s wrath. The way we teach Islam and come to it, is under the cloak of fear; no wonder we easily fall short. Fear is never a sufficient motivator for long term action and change.
- Have realistic expectations in your relationships: Understand that mistakes will be made in any relationship, especially marriage. Understand that as mistakes are made, that the ones who are hurt have every right to feel hurt. Also remember that Allah calls us to forgive: "But whoever forgives and makes reconciliation, his reward is due from Allah" 42:40. I am not saying that you should expect substandard behavior, but expect mistakes. It is part of who we are.
- Emphasize the good and not the bad: Encourage, praise, and thank your spouse on a regular basis. Not just on her/his birthday or anniversary. Do it consistently and often. Be sincere about it. The Prophet, sallallahu alaihe was salaam, said, "A believing man should not have any malice against a believing woman. He may dislike one characteristic in her, but may find another in her which is pleasing." (Muslim)... If we work on this characterisitic in our marriages, it will be easier to manifest it in our communities.
- Be your spouse’s best friend: Know what your mate likes and dislikes. Be someone your mate can communicate with and confide in. Remember, we all go through moments. If your spouse is having a difficult time and is having doubts, you should be someone they CAN speak to, without fear of you being judgmental. If your spouse cannot speak to you or if you fly off the handle with any sign of imperfection, then you need to check yourself. Remember, we see things are we are, not necessarily as they are (Anais Nin).
- Engage in true relationship building: We do not spend enough time focusing on strengthening our relationships. Going out, watching TV together, etc., are all ways to create bonds. Our critical discussions about our relationships should not happen in arguments only. They too can happen when we are calm. Go on Amazon, buy a book on how to be a gentleman. It can cost less than $10. Let your spouse actually FEEL special and feel like you are working hard to make the relationship work and to make them comfortable.
- Discuss your feelings openly and frequently: We do not talk about feelings. We do not. We are quicker to bottle up and walk away. The last time I said that shaytan makes us feel like it is OK to have ill feelings towards someone else. He wants us to legitimize these feelings. Remember, the goal is not to necessarily legitimize them, but to move away from them if possible. (I am taking some things off the table, as in cases of abuse, neglect, etc). In talking about feelings, we are acknowledging how we feel and informing the person of them so that we do not bottle them and continue to harbor them. In many cases, when we have these deep-seated feelings, it is because we failed to address the concern earlier on when the feeling first emerged. Speak often. Speak often. I know that when I got married, I was Mr. Silent Treatment. It does not work and has NEVER worked.
- Admit mistakes and ask for forgiveness: This one needs little explanation. Let us shed the pride. Let us fess up and own our issues. At this point, I want to stop and apologize to my family, the Imams and this community for anything I may have done to hurt, disappoint or offend. I pray that you do not hold my errors against me and I pray that you forgive me for the things I may have done knowingly and unknowingly.
- Do not revisit the past unnecessarily: In your marriages, do not bring up old items. You know it. You do it and it only creates further alienation. If something happened that is a major concern, be clear to yourself and to the person as to why you are bringing it back into the conversation. Generally, if you are in the middle of an argument, you bringing it back up is generally not for a good reason. If you are bringing it up out of compassion, it will not merely surface during an argument; it will be something you can bring up at any point.
- Be gentle and approachable: Understand that life is filled with challenges and tests. That is known. How you approach them is what will make the difference. Be someone who others like to be around. Cultivate that in yourself.
- Be positive: Try to engage in more positive interactions that negative ones. Negative interactions put a strain on relationships when they are constant and pervasive.
- Be empathetic: Understand your spouse’s perspective and see what baggage YOU are bringing to the table. Empathy shows compassion and consideration. This in turn lets your spouse know that you “see” them. Have you seen the movie “Avatar”? The catch-line was, “I see you.” Are you really seeing your spouse? Strength in a marriage and a relationship comes when people feel that you care about enough to actually understand their thoughts and their feelings.
- Respond to needs: Address problems holistically and honestly. Brothers, if you are not insuring that your wives are satisfied when you meet them (sexually, emotionally, etc), then you need to stop and understand that her needs are as important as your needs. If there are problems in your marriage, even really sensitive ones that will destroy your pride, deal with them. This is just another test. That is all it is.
Brothers and sisters, I have spent some time going over some qualities that can make our relationships, marriage and otherwise, stronger and insha-Allah more fulfilling for each of us, and insha-Allah, more beneficial to the community. Our community has seen and continues to see too many broken homes, broken families, broken spirits. Our enemy is shaytaan, and he exploits the weaknesses in us to keep us ignorant, make us lack compassion and be inconsiderate, for the mere goal of insuring that we do not earn the pleasure of Allah. How much longer will we sit by and watch our young brothers and sisters fall by the wayside? How many more babies out of wedlock, abortions and plain open sexual lewdness are we going to tolerate before we stop and say that we have a serious problem? Where are our roundtables on these issues? What are the leaders in our communities doing to collectively address these issues that are bound to arise in a hyper-sexed society like this one? Families are struggling and the community cannot assist because majority of the families are struggling with this. If you doubt that, there is hardly one of us in here, whose family (immediate or extended) or close friend who was/is like family, who has not been touched by zina, child out of wedlock, etc... Our young will continue to inherit the baggage of our collective incompetence because we are not rising up to the challenge of really purifying ourselves.
Remember, shaytaan hates: loving families, believing communities, pious and god-conscious individuals. He loves divorce, segregation and separation. How many of us are leaving our children with a legacy of working in the community and really striving for something beyond ourselves? Many of us have worked for Islam for years. We have struggled and we have toiled, and we have been hurt, disappointed and abused. We then promise that we will protect our children from this “mess” that is this community. We ourselves may even stop being as active in the community. It is not simply about how we start, but also how we end. How many of us, if we died today or tomorrow, would die knowing with a degree of certainty, that our children will have a deep concern for the community and its development, that they will come into the trenches and work for the establishment of a better community? If those of us with children cannot say with certainty that our children are not simply hearing about the importance of working and being part of the community, but are SEEING us work and be an integral part of the community, then we have a lot of work still to do. If we are not calling them to that, then what are we calling them to?
May Allah (swt) grant us forgiveness, guidance and mercy...
End of part I
Part II
Brothers and sisters, we have a lot of work to do to make our families and communities stronger. We each have a part to play in it. I have mentioned some concrete things that we can and should do to strengthen our marriages and our relationships in general. Let us understand that there is more to our relationships with each other than the basic rights, roles and responsibilities. I want to take us back to the surah we started with: Al-Asr...
Action Plan:
If we work towards improving our families and communities, we will begin to push shaytaan back further from our community, because he has infiltrated deeply, to the point that our community is almost not recognizable.
Al-Asr gives us 4 specific ways to build our relationships and insha-A;;ah strengthen our community:
Have faith:
Faith is not merely about believing and having hope. Iman, constructive iman, is the type of faith that leads one to take action. Iman without action is useless. Have faith in Allah, have faith in others, have faith in the fitrah that Allah has created. Faith leads to the following:
- Trust - There is no solid relationship without trust. Trust in Allah. Trust in those close to you.
- Gratitude: "If ye are grateful, I will add more (favours) unto you; but if ye show ingratitude, truly My punishment is terrible indeed."
- "O my Lord! so order me that I may be grateful for Thy favours which Thou hast bestowed on me and on my parents and that I may work the righteousness that will please Thee: and admit me by Thy Grace, to the ranks of Thy righteous Servants." 27:19
- Knowledge: Allah has said repeatedly in the Qur’an, that the ones who know, are not like the ones who do not know.
Think of how our relationships would be, if we would strive to do good for each other on a consistent basis:
- Be the first one to rush to something good.
- If you do something bad, follow it up with something good.
- In Ar-Rad (13: 22-24), Allah promises paradise and contentment to those who “repel evil with good.” To those who create a shield around themselves by consistently striving to do good.
By encouraging truth in yourself and others, you build:
- Trust
- Dependability
- Reliability
By engaging in and encouraging patience, we build:
- Resilience
- Compassion
- Forgiveness
Let us start by using some of the lessons in this short surah to improve our lives and our communities. Let us begin by being good to our families and speaking out against injustice even in our own families, even against ourselves.
Ibn Hibban transmitted on the authority of `Aisha that the Prophet said, "The best of you is he who is the best to his family, and I am the best to my family". [Transmitted by Ibn Hibban Charity (El-Ehsan) Vol. 9 (4177).]
Shaytan knows what outcome he wants and he is lining everything up for that. He is an avowed enemy. There is no good that he does not try to corrupt. He corrupts it by creating doubt, suspicion, anger, hate, regret, etc... All these things he does. These things lead to breakdown in communication, which is the essence of connection. Communication is the essence of our connection to God and to each other. Remember Allah and He will remember us.
(End of Part II)
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