Advice: Being Concerned for your Brother's/Sister's Soul

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December 30, 2011 | Safar 5, 1433



An-Nahl (16:125)

ادْعُ إِلِى سَبِيلِ رَبِّكَ بِالْحِكْمَةِ وَالْمَوْعِظَةِ الْحَسَنَةِ وَجَادِلْهُم بِالَّتِي هِيَ أَحْسَنُ إِنَّ رَبَّكَ هُوَ أَعْلَمُ بِمَن ضَلَّ عَن سَبِيلِهِ وَهُوَ أَعْلَمُ بِالْمُهْتَدِينَ CALL THOU (all mankind] unto thy Sustainer's path with wisdom and goodly exhortation, and argue with them in the most kindly manner- [149] for, behold, thy Sustainer knows best as to who strays from His path, and best knows He as to who are the right-guided.

Al-A’Raaf (7:68) أُبَلِّغُكُمْ رِسَالاتِ رَبِّي وَأَنَاْ لَكُمْ نَاصِحٌ أَمِينٌ

I am delivering unto you my Sustainer's messages and advising you truly and well.

Tafsir Al-Jalalayn: I convey to you the Messages of my Lord, and I am your truthful adviser, trustworthy in the Message [I convey].

What Prophet Hud said to his people during his prophethood

Hadith Tamim ad-Dari narrated that the Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) said, "The religion is naseehah." The people asked, "To whom?" The Prophet (sallallaahu 'alaihi wa sallam) replied, "To Allaah and to His Book and to His Messenger and to the leaders of the Muslims and the common folk." [Collected by Bukhari, Muslim] Deliver first part of khutbah Part I


Brothers and sisters, assalaamu ‘alaikum. I am coming before you today to speak on a topic that is of significant importance to all of us as individuals and a leaders. The Prophet (saws) said: “Everyone of you is a shepherd, responsible for his flock: The Emir is a shepherd, the man (head of a household) is a shepherd over his family; the woman (of the house) is shepherdess over her husband’s house and children. Therefore, everyone of you is a shepherd and everyone of you is responsible for his flock.” (Related by Al-Bukhârî, Muslim, Al-tirmidhî, Abû Dâwûd and Ibn Hanbal, on the authority of Ibn ‘Omar). It is in this context that I am choosing to discuss the topic of naseehah or giving advice. We often see it as just a charge for “giving good advice” or just making sure we try to say the right thing. However, it is a lot more than that. What does naseehah mean:

Literal Meanings:

• To give sincere advice
• To advise, To counsel
• To admonish. To exhort
• To mean well
• To show good will
• To act in GOOD faith
• To be loyal and sincere toward each other
• To be sincere in one’s intentions
• To take good advice or to follow an advice

Contextual/Religious Meanings

• “The religion is good advice”
• Acccording to Imam Al-Hadad in his text “The Book of Assistance” he noted that part of giving good counsel or good advice is to “support a Muslim in his absence as you would in his presence” and not to “give more verbal signs of affection for him that you actually have for him in your heart”. According to the Imam, it also means that if you know the course of action he wants to take is not good for his soul, then you would advise him of such.

You may ask, how do you know?

In a hadith, the Prophet (saws) said that piety is good behavior and that sin is what weaves or scratches at your chest and you hate for people to see you engaged in it. This is how you get a sense for if what you are telling someone is good or not. However, for this to manifest itself, your heart has to be sound. If your heart is corrupt, then how can you feel the scratching away at your chest?

I remember reading once that a believer sees his error/sin as a mountain that is about to crush him. However, a sinner or someone who is closing his heart off to Allah’s guidance and mercy sees his sins as a fly that is buzzing around his face... Ibn Mas'ud (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: "The believer sees his sin as a mountain beneath which he is sitting; which he fears may fall down upon him.The rebellious person sees his sin as a fly which passes in front of his nose; he swats it away..…" (Reported by al-Bukhaari, 6308) What does GOOD advice look like when being sought and being given?

• Honest
• A person who is concerned about seeking advice is honest in how he presents his/her case (if it involves others). Yes, sometimes we are clouded by our own feelings at that point, but a righteous person who is honestly seeking advice has the fear in him/her that he is not slandering his/her brother or sister. What does this mean? Seeking advice from Imam or Counselor. How do you ‘present’ the face of your spouse. Do you give the facts and the truth of the matter, or do you deny them one of the rights they have, which is to have their honor protected?
• The person GIVING the advice is also very cautious. If you have only heard one side of the story, the most you can do is advise the person you are speaking to on actions that can improve THEIR behavior, THEIR mentality or THEIR spirituality. If you have not spoken to the other party, there is no way you can give holistic advice. Your first task is to ascertain the other side of the story, all the while, giving the person against whom the charges are levied, the benefit of the doubt.
• Personal experience recently. Heard a story about a brother some time ago. I know the brother; we are not tight, but I know him. I wanted to talk to him, but did not know how to contact him. I saw him twice, but I could not speak to him. Finally spoke to him recently. He said that he was glad that someone finally came and asked him what was going on because it seems like people heard one side and then ostracized him. I pray that Allah forgives me if I was one of those people. This is what we are supposed to do - we are supposed to verify if it is something that affects us, if it is something we are trying to assist with, etc... If not, then we need to stop the person who is telling us and we need to check our desire to want to KNOW more for the sake of knowing.
• Are you the best person to give the advice in this case?
• Be honest about that... If it is not your area, SAY SO. Refer them to someone better. The great Imams of this ummah loved the phrase “I don’t know.”
• Specificity
• The one seeking advice should try to be specific about the advice that is being sought. It is contextual. The one giving advice should also be specific about the advice being given and try not to be overly general.
• Recently, I sought advice from someone close to me. Something was bothering me. They advised me on where I went wrong and why it was wrong. This is the advice that is needed. Specific and honest advice.
• Purified intentions
• Petitioner - You need to be clear on WHY you are seeking the advice and actually IF you are seeking advice. If you are talking just for the sake of talking, then stop. You are encouraging the listener to possibly listen to slander and backbiting (namimah and ghibah). This is not the characteristic of someone of faith
• Adviser - Be clear on WHY you are saying what you are about to say. Make sure YOUR intentions are clear. Is it to pacify the person. Is it to help bring them closer to Allah. Is it that you believe you can help? Why are you willing to listen to it and why are you about to respond the way you are responding. Be sure that you are doing it to seek Allah’s pleasure and not for any other reason that results from pride, arrogance, etc.
• Be private
• Petitioner - What is the logic in requesting advice about your MARRIAGE via Facebook? Half of us are struggling with our own relationships and here we are telling you that you need to separate from him for 3 days because that is a right you have. Here we are telling you that you need to remind her of her duty to obey her husband. Keep your business PRIVATE and speak about it ONLY when you know whom you are speaking to and you are clear on WHY you are speaking to them
• Adviser - Do not chastise people in public. Do not embarrass them or make them feel bad. If it is a public question, but the response can ONLY be a personal one, then have the decency to tell them that you will speak to them privately or just contact them privately. If it is a question that can be answered publicly, then be humble about it, knowing that YOU TOO could be wrong and do it in a way that preserves their dignity.
• Gentle
• Petitioner: You should approach not as though what is bothering you is of no significance, but you should be gentle in your approach as well. It Yes, a Muslim is duty-bound to give you good advice, but you do not aggressively demand it from him/her. If you see them hesitant or reluctant, TRUST that they too are trying to safeguard their honor and yours.
• Adviser: If you are admonishing someone, then be gentle in the admonition. What is the dalil for this? Let us look at what Allah told Musa when He (swt) sent him to Pharaoh:
• Ta ha (20:44)
• فَقُولَا لَهُ قَوْلًا لَّيِّنًا لَّعَلَّهُ يَتَذَكَّرُ أَوْ يَخْشَى
• "Speak to him in a mild manner so that he might remember or fear."
• If when you give advice it becomes confrontational, do not blame the OTHER person. Look to yourself and see what did you do to create that situation. Did you fully understand the condition of the person, the nature of the person, the context of the person?
• Know when to keep silent
• Petitioner: If everything that happens in your house/relationship, etc., you need advice on, then you need to stop seeking validation and support elsewhere and start putting in more effort in your own home. Yes, people on TV get famous for spilling their issues and makes lots of money giving BAD advice, but this is not us; this is not our way of life. Unfortunately, many of us, including myself, watch some of these shows, but this is not our way of life. We need to be better. We need to know when it is NOT something we need to talk to someone else about but in fact something we need to talk to our SPOUSE about. Rely on Allah and find a way to communicate.
• Adviser: You do not have to correct every mistake you see. That is not your job. In some cases, there is one major issue and if you help the person see around that issue, they will resolve the other issues themselves. You want them to be self-sufficient and independent. Do not create a situation in which they become dependent on you. If you see that happening, try to find a way to encourage MORE independence so that you extract yourself from the relationship. We are there to support each other, but in cases such as these, we need to find a way to encourage people to depend on Allah and His guidance in everything and not feel the need to ask about every little problem.

From whom should you seek it?

• Allah - Seek Guidance
• Allah (swt) says that He (swt) hears the call of everyone who calls upon Him.
• Al-Baqarah (2:186) -
• وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِي عَنِّي فَإِنِّي قَرِيبٌ أُجِيبُ دَعْوَةَ الدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ فَلْيَسْتَجِيبُواْ لِي وَلْيُؤْمِنُواْ بِي لَعَلَّهُمْ يَرْشُدُونَ
• "When My servants ask you concerning Me, then (say unto them:) verily I am nigh: I answer the prayer of every supplicant when he calls on Me; so (they should) hearken unto My call, and believe in Me, in order that they may be led aright."
• Others - Seek Advice
• Depends on Allah
• Fears Allah/ Has Taqwa
• Hadith pertaining to what taqwa is (holding up the garment)
• Is known to have good character
• The Prophet was sent to perfect our character
• Upholder of Justice
• Allah loves those who are just and encourage justice
• Has a soft and compassionate heart
• We forget this. The heart MUST be soft and MUST be compassionate
• Discuss the Prophet
• Trustworthy
• Banker for Mecca
• Honest businessman
• Honest
• Kind
• Forgiving
• The woman who poured trash on him
• People of Taif
• Generous

These are the various qualities you should seek in someone from whom you are seeking advice.
What is the charge of the one giving it?

• Treat it as an ibadah - not a job or habit
• Imam An-Nawawi narrates in his famous book Riyad-us-Saliheen that Jarir ibn `Abdullah said, "I came to the Prophet and declared, 'I pledge my allegiance to you in Islam.'" The Prophet said, "On condition that you pray, give charity, and offer advice." Jarir then said, "I thus pledged my oath of allegiance."
• Treat it as a trust
• This is a trust... Amanah... If our aim is to try to maintain and purposefully stay as close to our fitrah as possible, then when you give advice or counsel, this is what you have to ask yourself:
• Is it beneficial?
• Is this advice helping this person maintain their fitrah? Is it bringing them closer to that envied state? More simplistically speaking, is it bringing them closer to Allah? People, we have to be careful. It could be based on what we say or do not say.
• Is it helping protect THEIR faith and yours?
• Protection of religion
• Of the Maqasid (Objectives) of the Shari’ah is to protect the following: religion, life, progeny, intellect and wealth. Is YOUR advice protecting these things? Are you doing justice to all parties involved?
• Know YOUR status and YOUR condition
• You must be self-aware so that you are not giving someone else YOUR baggage to carry. If a sister tells you that her husband was harsh to her and was mean to her, and in the course of telling you that, she told you that she did not prep his dinner (if that is what she generally does) or she did not speak to him kindly (if that is what she generally does) and you do not advise her to maintain her GOOD akhlaq, then you are not a sincere adviser. If you are focusing on why he is being harsh to her and you have not even spoken to him, then fall back and let someone else who actually FEARS Allah do what you are doing. Do not help your brother and sister to the hellfire. A believer does not enable a believer to do wrong.
• Understand the meaning of “loving for the sake of Allah”
• We throw this around all the time and we have no idea what it really means. It does not mean that you say it but then you hold rancour in your heart. It is not a “dismissive” statement. On the contrary, it is an affirming and affirmative statement. It is a statement of affection and compassion. Imam An-Nawawi in Riyadh as-Saliheen (Gardens of the Righteous) dedicated a whole section to ‘loving for the sake of Allah’. He basically outlined:
• Virtues and benefits of loving for the sake of Allah,
• Informing the person one loves that one loves them for the sake of Allah, and
• How to respond when informed of this love?
• Sayyiduna Anas (Allah be pleased with him) relates that the Messenger of Allah (Allah bless him and give him peace) said,“Anyone who possesses three attributes will experience the sweetness of faith (iman): that he loves Allah and His Messenger more than anything else; that he loves someone for the sake of Allah alone; and that he hates the idea of reverting to disbelief, after Allah has released him from it, as much as he would hate being thrown into fire.” (Sahih al-Bukhari and Sahih Muslim)
• Loving for the sake of Allah means one loves an individual simply because of the connection he holds with Allah; either because he worships Allah and is doing something (or not doing something) to further the deen of Allah, or, even more praiseworthy, merely because he is from the creation of Allah.

What is the charge of the one receiving it?

• Humility
• Patience/sabr
• Different kinds of patience. Enduring when there is nothing you can do but rely on Allah.
• Perseverance

Remember, we receive more good than we deserve and we are not given the amount of punishment that we deserve. Let us ask Allah to soften our hearts, increase us in gratitude and forgive us our sins.

Part II

Brothers and sisters, at various points in time we will need to seek advice and we may be called on to give advice. How can we be sure that our actions bring us closer to Allah and at the same time enjoin us in justice and patience?

Action Plan:

• Fear Allah
• Baqarah (2:257)
• Allah is the Protector of those who have faith: from the depths of darkness He will lead them forth into light. Of those who reject faith the patrons are the evil ones: from light they will lead them forth into the depths of darkness...
• Du’a before speaking
• If you cannot say “Bismillah” before you say or do it, then most likely you should not say or do it.
• Ways to give advice:
• Does not always have to be “do this / do that”
• We can invite people places
• Have something at your house and invite someone
• CREATE a space for them to receive the advice
• Know what you are about
• Petitioner - Know what you want in life. This will help you know when to seek advice and when to manage on your own.
• Adviser - Know what YOU want in life
• How can you give advice if you do not know what YOU hold dear to yourselves? What is your personal life plan, life goal, compass in life? Where are you headed? Suggestion, a life plan...
• This week, someone in the community emailed me their Personal Profile to look over and give feedback.This was an impressive document... It stated in clear language what guides her, what her goals are and what she wants out of life. SHE knows what she wants, so that is a start. This is someone whose advice has the chance of being more relevant and honest because THEY know what they want their relationship with Allah to be about. How can anyone of us give naseehah when we are unclear as to what we want our relationship with Allah AND with others to be like? Seeing this document has inspired me to find where I wrote my own personal statement, review it and revise it...
• Pray for overall guidance of self and person to whom you are giving advice
• We should be praying for guidance for the mind ('aql), the heart (qalb) and the soul (nafs)... May our spirit (ruh) continue to submit and draw us closer to our Supreme Being... 
• If we are giving advice, THIS should be our concern, our fikr, our worry as well... Are we contributing to the betterment and development of this individual's mind (‘aql), heart (qalb) and soul (nafs)... Are we making it easier for them to submit to Allah (swt) or are we making it more difficult?
• Things to keep in mind:
• Be patient with the questioner - they are vulnerable
• Do not rush to give advice - think of the best time, place and manner in which to give it

Let us pray that Allah makes us concerned with the process via which we seek advice and the process via which we give advice. May He (swt) protect us from violating the rights of others and enable us to be concerned with the well-being of those who rely on us for assistance.